The home run (100wc)

9/7/2013

Story by Noah

I went to see the Yankees vs. Red Sox Baseball game with my dad. I was really exited! I was literally screaming at the top of my lungs! I was really sweaty and hungry and thirsty! I kind of was booing for the Yankees because they were losing. The score was six to seven. Some new guy named swashbuckle. I was afraid this guy had no chance of making a homerun… Suddenly I heard a crack… the crowd went wild! My dad and I were exited so much that we threw our food at the team. Then we got kicked out afterwards.

15 Comments

steffi

9/8/2013 21:45:54

great blog Noah your day out sounds exiting.

Jilanne Hoffmann (100WC team)

9/9/2013 06:16:18

Hi Noah,
Great 100wc piece! It contains tension and humor as well as energy and excitement. Now for the next draft. Consider rearranging your sentences so we start with the action: "The score was six to seven, Red Sox over the Yankees." That lets us know immediately where we are along with putting us right in the middle of the action. Now you can fill in the details and condense the important information in your sentences. For example, you don't need to tell us you were really excited since it's implied in the "screaming at the top of your lungs." Instead, you could say something like "After screaming for nine innings, I was sweaty, hungry, and thirsty." Then you need to tell the reader which team Swashbuckle plays for, Yankees or Red Sox? I'm thinking it's the Yankees, but I'm not sure. Also, try to avoid using phrases like "kind of." They weaken your writing. Just delete that phrase and your sentence is much stronger. Good work!

Noah

9/23/2013 05:04:27

Thank you for the information!

Connor link

9/9/2013 21:33:59

Well done Noah very descriptive!

Mrs Maddocks (100WC Team) link

9/10/2013 08:18:17

Noah, I really enjoyed your 100wc. I can tell that baseball is a passion of yours, especially from ideas such as "screaming at the top of my lungs!" Maybe next time you could ask a friend to help you check through for spelling mistakes and capital letters etc - these are easily missed when you read through quickly alone. Keep up the good ideas. Well done.

Mrs. Huebner link

9/12/2013 15:16:30

Loved your writing! I happen to be a Minnesota Twins fan, and I don't always get to enjoy a win. You should check out my students' blogs and try to figure out the point of view. http://kidblog.org/SCRebels/ They would love your guesses! Keep writing!

Noah

9/16/2013 06:13:18

Thank you! I will try!

Loch lain

9/12/2013 21:38:02

Next time put more interesting words

Connor

9/16/2013 21:39:23

That built up a lot of tension.

Jack

9/16/2013 21:45:41

Sound funny I would love to be there who won the game?

Rose link

9/19/2013 21:47:07

Funny story, next time try to put some interesting words. Who won the match?

Noah

9/23/2013 05:03:19

Red sox!

Nadia

9/19/2013 21:47:18

Cool I would really love see a baseball game I've never been.

Sadie link

9/19/2013 21:51:23

Wow how did you feel when you got kicked out ? Maybe you should show what you feel , touch , smell , hear but I like your 100wc

Noah

9/23/2013 05:03:48

Ok I will try my best!

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The home run (100wc)

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